How to Have a Crummy Wedding

I'll do my best to approach this lightheartedly and avoid melodrama.  The topic could easily sway into the morose, and certainly unavoidably dips into sadness, but I'll do my best to focus on the ridiculous and herald the heroes along the way, because heroes there most certainly were and the ridiculous keeps us laughing.

TOP 10 WAYS TO HAVE A CRUMMY WEDDING

1.  Get an Incredibly Inconveniently Timed Diagnosis.

A few days after our joyous day of engagement and swift, fortuitously accepted offer on what would become our family home, I got a good-news-bad-news call from my doctor, at my desk at work.  The bad news was malignant melanoma.  The good news was he was pretty sure we'd caught it in time and all would be well.  I took him at his word and kept planning the wedding, figuring the little (ha!) procedure to remove the skin cancer would be water under the bridge in a few weeks and we'd all just keep skipping along.

My little procedure turned out to be a pretty intense surgery that took a large enough chunk out of my back, that a skin graft was impossible and a Z-plasty was necessary, which left me with a large, pretty awesome Zorro-ish scar on my back.  The news that it meant I had to have another surgery soon to scoop out some lymph nodes and test them for cancer was not awesome.  And a few weeks later, when that surgery was over and the test results were positive for cancer, we all had one of our darkest days and worst nights.  Enough said about that.  It also meant that I had to have yet one more surgery to remove all lymph nodes from under my arm, and then meet with an oncologist to discuss treatment.

2.  Plan Your Wedding in a Parking Lot.

The first oncologist appointment, in mid-February was a life-changing one.  Between scheduling the 3 surgeries, waiting for recovery and followup after each, along with necessary pre-op procedures, we were now a couple months into our engagement and had already put our deposits down on everything. The bridesmaids had purchased dresses, and things were all moving swiftly towards the glorious wedding day of June 26.

While he hesitated to tell us when or whether we should get married, the oncologist made it very clear that the next 52 weeks would leave me pretty knocked out and anything I was planning to do in the next year, or needed to do to get myself in the best living and care situation for treatment, I needed to do immediately.  We excused ourselves for a few minutes and went to the parking lot.

After a swift conference, we agreed.  We'd get married in a few days.  Immediate family only.  That was that.  We called Mark's brother, my sister and our parents from the parking lot.  "Friday," we said. "We're getting married on Friday.  We hope you can make it."  Both our siblings were living 3000 miles away on the east coast at the time, so it was no small task for them.  Thus ended the wedding planning.

3.  Personally Uninvite Dozens of People You Really Love and Want to Come.

My brain was pretty pickled at this point and while I could wrap my brain around planning a wedding for a very few people, I could not fathom pulling it off to include everyone.  Or even half of them.  Or even extended family.  Once we crossed the line into dear close friends and aunts, uncles and cousins, the number would bump up exponentially and I just couldn't handle it.  It had to be the same for everyone.  No one could come.  We made one exception: Stefan.

I called my best, and very beloved, friends from high school and college and told them on the phone that I was starting cancer treatment immediately, the wedding was cancelled, we'd be getting married in a few days and they were not invited.  And I hoped they could return their bridesmaids dresses.  I know they would have been there for me in a heart beat if I'd let them.  Those phone calls were rather gut-wrenching.  I'm sure they felt like I'd punched them in the face.

The same process was repeated for beloved cousins, aunts and uncles, including the uncle whom I had asked to perform my ceremony.  The church in which the ceremony would be held required committee approval of visiting pastors, but the committee didn't meet until Monday and we were getting married on Friday.  That was that.

4.  Meticulously Plan Every Detail, Then Throw It All out the Window.

Ritual, ceremony, music, beauty, and faith are of deep importance to me, and my wedding was going to incorporate these elements in a glorious expression of God's majesty through the sacred rite of marriage in which Mark and I would pledge our lives to each other, accepting God's gift of each other in our lives, and also bind ourselves together as a new family with Jordan.

Much as I have been vain plenty of times in my life, when it came to my wedding, I had not given that much thought to the dress, hair and makeup.  I had, however, devoted countless hours selecting the exact prayers, scriptural passages, hymns, vows and music, including an 8 voice acapella choir that would sing a passage from Song of Solomon.  I had bought books on the Christian wedding liturgy of every denomination so I could choose the best from each.

Every one of those details was chucked out the window.  (refer to previous sentences referencing a committee and a pickled brain)  No music, neither hymns nor choir.  No scripture readers.  No personally selected liturgical elements.

We had also chosen, reserved, and placed non-refundable deposits on the church, the reception site, the florist, photographer, and wedding dress.  All for June 26.  My dress wasn't due to come in until April, two months after we would already be married.  We were hoping to still get married in the church, but figured everything else was just kaput.

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WE INTERRUPT THIS CRUMMY WEDDING STORY TO PRESENT YOU OUR HEROES

Presented in Random Order- not by rank.  All are heroes.

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THE PROFESSIONAL HEROES:

Anonymous Girl Who Gave Me Her Wedding Dress

When I called the bridal salon and explained the situation and essentially asked for an exception to their No Refunds-No Exceptions rule, they gave me one better.  They called back and said that another girl had just happened to order the exact dress I did.  In the exact same size. And it was coming in tomorrow. But her wedding wasn't until May, so she would take my dress when it came in and let me take hers.  Wow.

Brad Elliot and Wife

I left a cryptic message on his machine that the wedding was off and I was so sorry to have to cancel his photography services, with no other details.  I figured that was the end of the story.  While it made me incredibly sad to have no professional photographs, there was no way I would even dream of asking him to come down to Orange County from Santa Barbara on a weekday with no notice.  The next day I got a phone call from a woman who introduced herself as Brad's wife.  We had never met or spoken before.  She said she didn't even really know why she was calling, except that she had a very strong impression that she was supposed to pray for me and ask me if there was something she could do for me.  I broke down, she got off the phone, and then called back a few minutes later to say that she and Brad would be there to photograph the wedding on Friday afternoon.

Event Planner at the Center Club

I made the same phone call to her as the others.  The wedding is off (not the marriage, but the June 26 event) and could they possibly make an exception to their non-refundable deposit?  Again, they did one better.  

Did I know they have smaller, private dining rooms?  

No, I didn't.  

Would I like the deposit applied to a fabulous dinner/tiny wedding reception for 15 people (4 grandparents, 4 parents, 2 siblings, 1 brother-in-law, 1 Stefan, 1 son, 1 bride and 1 groom)  in one of the smaller rooms?   

Uhhhh (pickled brains think "uhhh" a lot).  Well, since I had no plan to feed anyone after the tiny wedding, that would actually be kind of amazing.

Wait!  Do you need a wedding cake?

Uhhhh.  That would probably be nice.

What would you like? Round or square?  Traditional or modern?  Flavor?

Uhhhh. 

No problem, I'll take care of it.

Okay. Thank you.

Wait!  Did you want flowers?  Centerpieces? Flowers on the cake?

Uhhhh.

I'll take care of it.  What color is the wedding?

Uhhh.  Whatever color dress my sister wears.

What color is her dress?

I have no idea. 

I'll take care of it.

And that's how it went.  It hadn't even occurred to me that I could pull off a tiny wedding reception with no notice, or that I should feed people after the ceremony, or that I could still have a cake, and flowers, and champagne.  She thought of everything.  And she took care of everything, just like that.

Here's how she did the cake.  It was truly impressive how she made the little two layer cake look like it actually deserved a whole table to itself:

Tustin Presbyterian Church & Bob Volbrecht

The church cheerfully let us have the sanctuary at 5pm on a Friday, as long as we were in and out quickly because they needed to set up for an event the next morning.  The wedding coordinator was there to let us in and place a couple candelabras up front to make it look semi-wedding-ish.  Bob Volbrecht showed up for us on the very short notice given and pulled some organ music out of his hat so I could walk up and down the aisle to music.  He chose a Bach piece called "God's Time is Best." Retired pastor Leslie Atkinson agreed to marry us after a quickie 10 minute first meeting, based on the strength of his relationship with the family.

In one 24-hr period I went from getting married in a random dress with family snapshots and then going home, to my original church wedding, wearing my originally selected dress, miraculously delivered, with professional photography, followed by a small but fabulous dinner reception, wedding cake and all.  I cannot overstate my gratitude to everyone involved.

PERSONAL HEROES

Our Parents, Siblings and Grandparents: for rolling with the punches and taking it in stride.  No one tried to take over the planning, or tell us what we should do differently, or that we were making a mistake.  They just said okay, and they were there.  And for Windy& Kyle and Brad, being there meant arranging hasty and probably expensive airfare, taking time off work and probably a good deal of other upheaval.

Bridal Party, Dear Friends and Extended Family:  for not hating us for being univited, or for keeping it to yourself if you did.  And for loving us from afar when I was cocooning.

Jen, Sheree, Heather, Michelle, Joiwind, Jenny:  for giving me an after-the-fact bridal shower in my family room, which took me getting over my self-pity to truly appreciate.  It was an act of friendship and love, and considering how the wedding went down, was truly selfless of them.

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NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM:

HOW TO HAVE A CRUMMY WEDDING, CONTINUED.

5.  Schedule the Ceremony Immediately After a Major Surgery That Requires a Drainage Bulb to Hang out of Your Body.

The drainage bulb was supposed to stay in for a week, though I won't gross you out with why.  I placed the surgeon in a terribly difficult situation.  Medically, it was supposed to stay in.  He knew it and I knew it.  But I stood in his office literally crying, and begging, to please, please not make me get married and take a honeymoon with a drainage bulb.  PLEASE.  He relented, against his better judgment and was immediately punished with what happened when he removed it.  Sorry, surgeon. My fault, I know.  I'm really sorry.

Free of the bulb, the medical inconvenience was reduced to daily surgical-area bandage changing by Mark.  Sexy.

6.  Allow No Time for Dress Alterations.

I really am incredibly grateful and amazed that I was able to wear a wedding dress at all, much less the one I wanted.  Don't mistake any of this for ingratitude.  It isn't. Still, it was a little funny that because it was unaltered and therefore a smidge too big, the shoulder straps occassionally drooped and the bodice was loose.

7.  Forget to Arrange for Any Private Moment or Separate Dressing Spaces.  

Mark's parents generously let us use their home for everyone to get ready, so we all just got dressed in bathroom shifts in the same house.  I helped Mark get his tie straight and he saw me wandering around the house in the dress and no shoes or makeup.  We all piled in together to drive to the church.  It was special in its own way, but we never got that "moment".  You know the one.  There's only one chance to have it, and we just blew it.

8.  Choose a Ceremony Time in the Middle of Rush Hour.  

A 5:00 p.m. Friday ceremony, meant that poor Brad Elliot and his wife were stuck in interminable traffic between Santa Barbara and Orange County in their gallant quest to come photograph the wedding.  They were completely unable to make it to the house for any pre-ceremony pictures, so we all stood in Mark's parents back yard and Kyle arranged us in different groupings and did a wonderful job of making sure we would have plenty of photos of us all, even in Brad's absence.

In the end, brave Brad Elliot and wife squealed up to the curb in front of the church 5 minutes before the ceremony was to start (which, because of other church commitments, was non-negotiable).  He jumped out camera in hand and spent a quick 5 minutes grabbing a few portraits of Mark and I together before we were told in no uncertain terms that we had to get in the sanctuary and start forthwith.

Below is one shot from our brief photo session.  You'd never know this wasn't a wedding-of-the-usual-kind from the photo.  Well done, Brad.

9.  Have Your Rehearsal 30 Seconds Before the Actual Ceremony.

When Mark and I got in the church after our quickie photo session, we expected to begin the actual ceremony and play it by ear.  After all, it was the bare bones basics.  Oh no.  The pastor wanted us to rehearse it first.  Right then.  So, in loose-fitting wedding dress and tux, we walked through the entire ceremony. The pastor said he was satisfied and we would now do it for real.  Ohhhkay.  That won't be anti-climactic at all.  (<<< sarcasm)

As gracefully as was possible, Windy, my dad and I walked to the back of the church, past all the empty pews, and simply turned back around. Bob started playing the organ, and we stood there for a moment wondering when we were supposed to go back up, when we remembered there was no "supposed to", nobody was there but us and we might as well just walk back where we just came from. So Windy just started walking at some point and my dad and I followed behind, once again past the sea of empty pews.  Oh hey, wasn't I just here a few seconds ago?  Why, yes.  Yes, I was.  Good to see all of you up here.  Again.  Have I made my point yet or does it bear...repeating?  I could tell dumb jokes all day folks.  Or maybe just two, one right after the other.  Ba-doom ching.

10.  Do the Awkward Denial Dance

It's always fun when there's an unspoken, unwanted, but very present guest at a wedding, isn't it?  We all acted as if we weren't having a cancer-wedding, winced only ever-so-slightly whenever the word "death" peeked out from the vows and liturgy, and generally stuck our grins on and were HAPPY.  Definitely not sad, or worried, or scared to death.  Just HAPPY.

In all honesty, there were plenty of moments that were pure and undiluted by the unwelcome guest, and I'm so glad Brad managed to click fast enough to catch this candid one right after the ceremony.

I waited until we were checked into our wedding night hotel to break down crying.

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BEFORE WE CLOSE, WE'D LIKE TO ACKNOWLEDGE A FEW MORE HEROES

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David Kritz

He stepped in as my doctor immediately after I got the inital diagnosis, answered dozens of questions, handled all the referrals, acted as a friend as well as a physician, and lent us his white Lexus to use for the day of the wedding.

Brad Elliot, Again

When we entered the church, he saw that we had set up an unattended home video camera on a tripod in the balcony.  We had not paid for any video service from him.  He volunteered to man the camera from the balcony and take ceremony pictures from up there.  Then, he followed us to the dinner, took pictures of us making a toast, cutting the cake and some group shots.  Then I realized I had completely not accounted for feeding him.  Pickled brain.  Here they were, hours from home, out of love and graciousness and I had no arrangements for feeding them.  My father paid them, which they tried to decline and I'm sure the amount they accepted was far below what their time was worth.  To this day, I feel terrible that I thanked them and said goodbye without feeding them dinner.  I hope they found something really nice and very cheap near where we were.  I will sing their praises as not just good photographers, but good people, forever.

Shamus

I don't even know this person's real name.   I just know that he was a good friend of Mark's mom and she called him and let him know everything that was happening.  (edited to add:  Mark informs me his name is Jim Brady.  Thank you, Jim!) He then set up an enormous surprise for us at the Inn at Spanish Bay.  When we checked in to what was supposed to be a regular room on our quickie 3 day honeymoon, we were instead ushered into this room.

http://www.pebblebeach.com/accommodations/the-inn-at-spanish-bay/guest-rooms/presidential-suite

Holy Moly.  There was a letter welcoming us, a bottle of champagne and a basket of fresh fruit.  It was jaw-dropping.

Edited to Add: The Florist
Mark and I would also like to give some acknowledgment here to the florist, Alan Hill, though we can't find that he's still in business.  He worked with the Center Club event planner and I didn't have to think a single coherent thought about it.  He delivered bouquets to the house for my sister and I, and you can see, he put a good deal of effort and care into what he made for us, and it was his hands who decorated the cake table so beautifully as well.  As if that wasn't enough, one moment that we all still talk about is the loud collective gasp we all uttered when we walked into the dining room.  No exaggeration here.  Like a scene out of a movie, they opened the double doors and our little family party all just made a united sound of awe and appreciation.  We had not, and still have not, ever seen a table so artfully and completely strewn with flowers.  He didn't make centerpieces.  He treated the whole table like a flower art canvas and it was stop-in-your-tracks beautiful. 

Jordan
You'd think getting a new mom mid-childhood would be upheaval enough for a kid.  Add to the mix moving to a new house, a super-rushed wedding, and said new mom also being a new cancer patient and sick all the time, he would have been completely justified in being a basket case, throwing some good tantrums and racking up a healthy bill with a therapist.  But he didn't do any of those things.   Instead, he handled it like it was as easy as eating a peanut butter sandwich (which he loved), as if I had never not been his mom (Yes, double negative.  Leave it.), and it was perfectly normal for me to barf all the time.  And we bonded as mother and son at warp speed.  If you'd blinked, you'd have missed it.  Poof.  Done.  Nailed it.  Kid was a champ.  (but he did drink too much cider at the wedding, despite Kyle's continuous warning, and then had the bellyache to show for it)

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That first year was really nothing but awful.  I'll spare you the descriptions, but the marriage in the 15 yrs since the wedding, has been wonderful beyond words.  We do our best to remember all the heroes of those few days, and forget the crummy parts, but sometimes, we have a good chuckle over it all. 

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS HOW TO HAVE A REALLY CRUMMY,

 BUT ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE, WEDDING.